The Veil War

I held the wheelie for a long moment and dropped down. I tapped the front brake and let the rear of the bike spin round. I leaned hard left, my knee just inches from the pavement.

Time slowed, like it does. I saw the boss mustache’s eyes widen with surprise. He hit the brakes, too hard. He flew over the handlebars and his bike cartwheeled after him.

I laid the bike down. The pavement ate through my ratty clothes in an instant, and the harsh scrape as it filed away my armor made my nuts want to relocate to my throat.

My bike skidded into mustache number two’s, dropping him and the bike both. His WWI open-faced lid absorbed the worst of the impact, but then he skidded on his chin for another dozen yards.

I rolled onto my back and raised my feet. With bent knees, I crashed into mustache number three. My left foot hit his knee, my right his bike’s front fork. I was probably only moving at 20 mph by now.

The sudden shock of impact wrenched my whole body. That’s going to hurt later, I thought as my spine tried to corkscrew out of my back. I absorbed a lot of the hit with my legs, but still I flipped over the bike, airborne and flying at the fourth and last mustache.

His bike weaved sharply back and forth as he braked madly to avoid the wreckage of #2 mustache. I flailed through the air, arms windmilling. For a fraction of a second I tried to tuck into a ball, but realized it just wasn’t going to happen. I gave up and kept flying, thrashing all the while like a retard superman.

My lower back struck the biker’s head with dull thwack as my armor hit his helmet. That spun me again, and I did a an awesome back flop onto the payment. The air whooshed out of my lungs.

I watched a crow fly overhead as my diaphragm fluttered ineffectually. I tried to stand, but just couldn’t move. Horns blared as cars screeched to a stop to avoid the accident.

Except, it’s really not an accident when you crash on purpose, is it?

With a raspy wheeze, my lungs finally sucked in a ragged gulp of air. I stood up, and drew my Glock. I walked over to mustache #3 and and placed the front sight on the bridge of his nose.

Half an hour later my right hand ached from signing releases and waivers. Mr. Smithers escorted me out of his office and back to a cozy, decent-sized game room. The focal point of the room was a pool table made of marble, rich wood, gold and pearl inlay, and for all I knew green felt made out of baby seal fur.

There, shooting balls into the right corner pocket with monotonic regularity was the Chad. The Chad did not look up from his billiards marksmanship. In the corner, wearing a blue and white Russian sailor’s shirt and ridiculously short shorts was Tactical Beardman. His beard looked especially ridiculous hovering in space above that outfit.

He stood. Damn, but he was one muscular little fuck. Tattoos ran up both arms. He reached out a hand. I shook it.

“Mumbles. Welcome to an agency.”

“Not ‘the’ agency?”

“That name was taken,” he said. I thought I detected a smile behind the facial hair, but I couldn’t be certain. The Chad said nothing.

“Right.”

We looked at each other. The Chad sank another ball with a definitive crack. The ball orbited the inside of the pocket for a while.

“Enough of this gay shit,” Beardman said. “Let’s get you sorted.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Follow me.”

I looked over at the Chad. He gave me a nod. I was in. We left the Chad to his billiards. I followed the Beardman down a hallway. As we walked along we left a prosperous 18th Century and drifted into a budget-starved mid-twentieth.

Institutional gray crept up the walls, replacing the paneling. Linoleum tile overtook the carpeting. Pipes and ducts appeared, suspended by dusty wires from an unpainted ceiling. We came to a halt in a break room that would have felt at home in any non-self-respecting 1950s industrial facility.

“Coffee’s free,” Beardman said, waving at the sink and a battered stainless coffee machine.

“Awesome,” I said.

Beardman dropped into one of the fiberglass chairs loitering around the formica table. I set my bag on the table.

“Now what?” I asked.

“I imagine you have a couple questions.”

“A couple.”

Beardman pulled a flask from his pocket. He took a pull and handed it over. I felt the burn of an excellent bourbon. He settled in and started talking. “In the spring of 1945, a Nazi research facility in what is now the Czech Republic made an interesting discovery.”

I handed the flask back, and he took another pull.

“Using nothing more than their native brain power, an interesting mechanical calculator invented by a Jewish death camp vacationer, and a burning desire to make my life miserable, a bunch of SS eggheads created the great grand-daddy of the gate you saw back in the ‘stan. That gate opened into a world where the dinosaur killer never hit. Savvy?”

I nodded. He took another drink. “Seeing as around that time the Red Army was knocking on the door with artillery parks the size of Rhode Island, well, certain elements in the Third Reich saw a unique opportunity to not be bayonet practice dummies for the untermenschen.

“They ducked into the rabbit hole and pulled it in after them. The eggheads took with them the best part of a Waffen-SS division along with elements of the Luftwaffe, Wehrmacht, and hell, for all we know the Reichsmarine.

“But wait! Don’t order yet!” He mugged for the camera, a retarded sailor boy Billy Mays. “They also grabbed the whole laboratory, its support staff, and the village it was in. As an added bonus, a Krupp armaments factory and its associated workers, engineers and slave-labor work force went down the hole. Everything an embryonic Fourth Reich could need or want.”

He held up the flask and peered over the flipped up cap at me. “And on the other side of the rabbit hole, they didn’t find the mad hatter.

“They found dinosaurs”

I tore out of my cosy, cardboard, under-the-overpass estate, absorbing the buffeting from the rough terrain with my legs. I cut off a Ford Taurus and accelerated southwards on Dallas Ave. A chill wind cut into my face.

“Where’s the party?” I yelled.

Everything gone to shit just as I expected. I wait for days, in a box, and the fuckhead gets hisself capped less than five minutes after he pokes his stupid head out of his fucking rabbit hole.

Beardman’s voice spoke in my left ear, “Turned east off of Dallas.”

“Awesome. They’re heading for the highway, then. Get someone to take care of Fritz. He’s a little worse for wear.”

Perfect. I wove through the sparse traffic, punching up to fifty on the straights and braking for the intersections. The buildings transitioned from deepest ghetto to just the wrong side of impoverished but still trying.

Traffic thickened as I made my way south. I cut left, jacked hard through the gears on the straightaway. I barely touched the brakes as I blew through the intersection. Ran the gears again and let off the throttle slightly.

I crested a low rise at speed and felt my nuts contract as I floated for a moment in zero-g. The bikers leisurely motored on about a mile or so ahead of me. “Hey, I see the party. Should I crash it or what?”

“Give me a sec.”

Fucking awesome.

“We’ve got air.”

I slowed, not particularly wanting to spook a bunch of people who just dropped a dude in cold blood.

I inched my way closer, keeping my driving relatively sane.

“OK, crash the party. Not too hard. Some of them will need to work tomorrow.”

“Right.”

Local police was in the bag, but only at the highest level. Assuming I didn’t get shot, I had a get out of jail free card. “Let me know if they turn,” I said and made a sudden turn right.

I opened up the throttle. A bit more than a half mile the next intersection lurked, malevolent and waiting to eat me. I punched up to 70, hit the brakes and leaned hard to the left and took the corner at almost 40. Cars honked their horns, and I made the most awesome Pittsburgh left in human history as I threaded the traffic just as the light turned and no one was moving yet.

I roared east again. I cranked it hard, up to a hundred. Industrial facades rushed past. I tucked my head down and raced. “Let me know when to turn,” I shouted.

Tactical Beardman, if he could see the monitor through his facial hair, should be bright enough to divine my plan. I raced down the street, popped left to pass grandma in her town car. The engine howled and I waited.

“Next street” Beardman whispered in my ear.

The buildings and the parked and derelict cars rushed past. I had the oddest sensation that I was standing still and the world was moving west at over a hundred miles an hour. I scanned ahead.

Green light.

Yellow light.

I hit the rear brake hard, downshifted. Took the turn and worked back through the gears. The bike loved me and I loved it.

“Slow down.”

I eased off the throttle. Red light ahead.

“Blue van,” I saw a blue van cross the intersection fast approaching me.

“Then red shitbox, white pick up, then bikes. Thirty foot spacing.” Tactical Beardman might be a complete douchebag but he was, despite it all, Tactical.

A red Dodge coupe from the last century crossed. I gauged the distance to the cross street, added another couple mph.

A white F-150 crossed. Almost there…

I goosed the throttle one last time, popped up on my rear wheel. I screamed.

Three weeks earlier

I walked up to a nondescript building in downtown Pittsburgh. I was still buzzing from three weeks in the Aegean Sea, burning through a platinum-hued credit card and Australian coeds. I checked the signboard on the wall in the lobby, but between shady-sounding accountants and shady-sounding law firms there was nothing that seemed remotely like anything that Tactical Beardman and the Chad would ever be caught dead in.

I walked up to the reception desk. I pulled the tattered business card from my pocket. “Excuse me, ma’am. I was told to meet someone here,” I said, and handed her the card.

The woman had been through the wars. Her makeup looked like it had applied by an apprentice mason’s trowel. Her scalp glistened through her thinning purple hair. She reached and took the card and squinted through her bifocals.

“One minute, please,” she said in sing-song tone.

She picked up the phone and dialed three digits. “A man to see you,” she said.

She listened for a moment. She looked up at me with cataract-hazed eyes. Her voice reached out through bourbon-scarred vocal chords, “Fourth floor. Room 415.”

“Uh, thank you.”

She returned to her Seventeen magazine and I ceased to exist to her.

I crossed the cracked marble floor to the bank of elevators at the back of the lobby. Four floors up, I stepped onto tattered carpet. The wallpaper screamed high fashion. In 1947. To the right, two doors showed 411 and 413. On the left, a single door had a bronze 415. I consulted my internal compass. The two doors to the right would face to the front of the building. They’d be small offices, only a couple dozen feet between where I stood in the fourth floor lobby back to the street.

I turned, braced myself, and walked to the right. A small plaque on the door read, “Greater Pennsylvania Association for Medieval Literary Scholarship.”

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, I thought.

I knocked on the door. Before I finished rapping on the door, it opened silently inward. A bent and spindly old man pulled the door away from my hand.

“We’ve been expecting you.” His voice sounded like death itself. He let go of the door knob and gestured to the interior. “Do come in, Sergeant.”

Right. I stepped across the threshold. Behind the thick wooden door was an expanse of rich, red carpet dotted with Persian rugs. Mahogany bookcases lined the walls, their glass doors obscuring the leather-bound books within. A sepia-toned globe rested in a polished silver and teak stand. The window treatments were stunning.

I heard the door click closed behind me. The butler or whatever-the-fuck shuffled around in front of me. “Please have a seat, sergeant.” He indicated a comfy-looking leather arm chair, and waved me into it. I couldn’t resist his Jedi mind powers. I sat, and laid my bag of fun next to the chair.

He sketched a spare and no doubt well-calibrated bow. “Someone will be with you presently,” he said. He looked at me for a moment. I feared he was going to drop some sort of Morgan Freeman magic negro wisdom on me, but he just nodded and crossed to the single door at the back of the room and left.

The room was a Hollywood set-dresser’s dream of a London gentlemen’s club. The globe, the bookshelves. The paneling that looked a foot thick if was an inch and waxed for what to a shine that must of have been centuries in the making. Just everything in the room screamed wealth and privilege held for time out of mind. Which made it totally fucking incongruous seeing as it was in Pittsburgh.

I waited. Then I waited some more. I pictured in my mind Anna and Marcy from Melbourne, and their remarkably wide-ranging skill sets. I remembered Leutnant Bohm and his razor sharp fangs, with my own Private Idaho’s blood running down his neck.

I waited some more. Five minutes or an hour later, the door opened. The doorman walked in and sketched another measured bow in my direction. “Sergeant? If you would please follow me?”

I stood and collected my bag. We trudged through several rooms of gold-foil portrait frames, deeply carved woodwork and Persian rugs that probably took wizened peasants a hundred years each to make. We fetched up in an office occupied by a weaselly little fuck with pince-nez glasses and a severely receding hairline. I don’t know suits, but I’m guessing his tailor wasn’t working out of a mall in Altoona or a sweatshop in Indonesia.

The doorman faded out the door. The platonic form of accountants stared me down like I was a recalcitrant column of figures.

“Please, Sergeant, have a seat,” he said finally. Feeling saucy, I plopped down on the overstuffed leather chair. Air hissed faintly from the seams as it took my weight.

Accountant man straightened a stack of papers on his desk. There was no computer. There was no phone.

“I am Mr. Smithers.”

A laugh snuck through my defenses. “Are you fucking serious?”

A pale and faded simulacrum of a smile took shape on his lips for a moment. And… it’s gone, I thought.

“I am Mr. Smithers,” he repeated. “Despite all indications to the contrary, you impressed certain of our… well-respected field operatives. You happened upon information that we have strived to keep… out of common knowledge.”

The pauses in his speech were already starting to piss me off.

“As you may have surmised… we are an organization dedicated to protecting the world from… threats of a uncouth and unusual nature.”

“Yeah, fascist dinosaurs and tanks the size of battleships. I grok it.”

He pursed his lips. “Yes. Even here, we prefer to be more discreet.” He obviously preferred not to include me on that ‘we.’

“I have been informed that there is a personnel need. Our mutual acquaintences further indicated that you might be suitable to fill this need.”

“Right, man. Thanks to our ‘mutual acquaintences’ I got shit-canned from the Army. So, yeah, I’m sort of available right now. In the market. If you’re selling dinosaur safaris, I’m buying.”

He pursed his lips again. He shifted his eyes and regarded the world map on the wall to my right. It had pins in it, randomly spread over the lands pictured there in four faded pastels.

“Very well, Sergeant. There is some… paperwork… you will need to fill out and sign.”

“You offer dental with this gig?”

He pursed his lips like there was a black hole hiding at the back of his throat.

“Yes. We have a dental plan.”

“Where do I sign?”

I smelled something sharp and rancid. The kind of smell you’d expect to find in the folds of a fat, meth-addicted garlic aficionado who hadn’t bathed in a decade.

“You got a quarter?”

You’ve gotta be shitting me. Not again, I thought.

Peeking into my box was the haggard, skeletal face of Quarterman. “Fuck off, Quarterman,” I hissed.

“N… N…” he explained. “Quarter?”

Jesus Lapdancing Christ. “Fuck. Off. I don’t have a quarter.” I luxuriated in a moment of delicious schadenfreude. In my pocket I had three dimes and a nickel, but screw him if he can’t learn to generalize.

“Cockfag mother… fucker…” I heard him mutter as he shambled off to hound someone else. Headphonesman had said that he’d gotten too fucking creepy for the normal people, and lately couldn’t manage to panhandle efficiently even in the shitty parts of town.

Headphonesman wandered over by the bridge’s support pillars, listening to his battered and ancient yet miraculously functional walkman, singing along to whatever the fuck he listened to and waving his hands in the air with energy and purpose. Every minute or so he’d stop, take a step backwards, raise both hands up, and shout, “Yeah!” before continuing his unending pop culture celebration.

***

A thin, distant creak of rusted metal pierced through the rumble and hum of traffic on the overpass.

I slid my eyes from the spectacle of five drunks trying to start a fire in a 55-gallon plastic drum over to the metal door of my target. Sure enough, the door creaked open as I observed from my cardboard sniper’s hide.

A slight figure emerged from the darkened hallway, his shape obscured by a long trench coat. The grey coat was the cleanest thing in a ten block radius, but at least the color didn’t make him stand out too much.

The man looked up and down the street, but he didn’t even glance my way. Living in a cardboard box is the next best thing to a cloak of invisibility.

He set out northbound, scuttling furtively. He glanced over his shoulder a half dozen times before he reached the corner of the building. Christ in a monster truck, I thought. The Marine Corps fucking band on the Fourth of July has better tradecraft than this bozo.

I rolled drunkenly out of my box and staggered to the street. I’d like to take an Oscar nod for the performance, but the pins and needles of my slowly waking legs and feet deserve all the credit for the inebriated authenticity of my lurch streetward.

I tapped the earbead communicator. “Fritz is going for groceries.”

“‘Bout fucking time,” came Tactical Beardman’s quiet response. Seeing as he’d been listening to me bellyache for the last three days, he was probably at least half as glad as me that something was finally happening.

As I angled across the street, a Pontiac K-car rolled by. I flipped off the driver and leered at the woman in the passenger seat. I take my craft seriously. Nice tits, though.

The corner of the building approached. How to play this? If you know of a man twitchier than Fritz the Nazi spy, I’d like to see your proof. Anything, ordinary or not, was like as not to spook the spook.

I stumbled around the corner unzipping my fly. Fritz near jumped out of his notional jackboots at the sight of me. So I unzipped and pissed two liters of rotgut along fifteen feet of brick. His face twisted in a moue of disgust and he dismissed me. He resumed his skulking progress.

Scanning the area, I saw a gaggle of bikers across the street and halfway down the block. No one else in sight. I meandered between the curb and the brick wall, both to maintain character and slow my progress without being obvious about it.

Fritz dashed across the street. He either had business with the bikers, or he had a death wish. These bikers looked like the pure quill, unreconstructed Rolling Stone security types; leather jackets, bald heads, and the friendliest handlebar mustaches you’ll ever see. One of them looked over to me and goosed his throttle. Fuck me, they are doing that on purpose.

Fritz skittered fearfully toward the bikers, holding his coat closed with his left hand. He reached into his coat with his right hand, and every last biker stood up from their bikes and reached behind their backs. Fritz stopped short, realizing the error of his mistake. He held up his left hand in supplication and slowly pulled an envelope from inside the coat.

The bikers stood their threat level down from “looming apocalypse’ to ‘imminent violence’. Fritz shuffled his feet forward, envelope outstretched. A burnt offering for the lords of war, but his body clearly didn’t want to follow where his head was leading.

I stopped and pretended to gaze dumbly skyward. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched the meet go down. The biggest of the motorcycle enthusiasts snatched the envelope from Fritz. He riffled through its contents, nodded satisfaction. He said something I couldn’t hear. He pulled a gun and shot Fritz in the head.

Jesus Panhandling Christ! The shot echoed up and down the narrow canyon of the side street. Nine mil, if my ears didn’t deceive me. Fritz and his too-clean coat crumpled to the sidewalk. I affected panic and ran back up the street. Junkies not being the most in-demand of prosecution witnesses, I probably wasn’t an immediate target. Still not good strategery to hang around, I figured.

I staggered around the corner and straightened. I tapped the earbud again.

“Fritz is taking a long nap.”

“What made him so tired?”

“Bikers probably wore him out.”

“See what they’re up to, right? If they’re having a party, maybe I’ll join you.”

“Maybe?” I thought. That’s double-plus reassuring.

I took off down the street. The double talk was annoying, but like the Beardman says, NSA listens to everybody. I pondered shouting “Allahu Akbar, bomb, president, Israel” into the mike, but decided I had enough issues without courting extraordinary rendition and a stay in a Serbian resort town.

My Vietnam-era fatigue coat and ragged, stained pants were no different than moments ago. But my suddenly alert and focused movements freaked out my erstwhile overpass compatriots. I ran across the weed-choked gravel to a small ditch behind my refrigerator box. I yanked a shopping cart and a half dozen boxes off my bike, put on my sunglasses.

“Where’s the party headed?” I asked of the air.

“Hang on a sec,” Beardman said.

I jumped on my bike. One press of the starter and it roared to life. I winced preemptively and goosed the throttle.

“Got em on a traffic cam. Southbound on Dallas.”

I lifted up the lid of my box. The Martin Luther King, Jr. East Busway overpass blocked most of the sun and my hangover thanked the bridge for its kindness. My hangover was less pleased with the un-muffled choppers roaring past on N Dallas Ave.

I had a nice box, originally home for a Frigidaire Model DGUS2645LF Stainless Side-by-Side Refrigerator. A nice fridge by all accounts, and the equivalent of double-wide luxury housing in these parts. Thick cardboard, structurally sound, room to stretch out in. Through the thin gap that formed as I pushed up on the lid, I watched the windows of the building across the empty and trash-ridden area under the bridge. Puffs of breeze stirred the detritus into listless, half-hearted life only to abandon them a few inches away.

The brick building was run-down, like all the buildings for miles around. The windows were hazed with decades of grime, or boarded up with graying plywood. Behind one of those windows was a Gestapo agent. Here in the box with me was the smell of piss and vomit, with a subtle note of cheap tequila. I couldn’t figure which was more ridiculous; that I was hunting Nazi secret agents in Pittsburgh or that I’d spent the last week homeless under a bridge. Right now, I leaned toward homeless by a nose.

The back door of the rattletrap building was welded shut and blocked by a rusting green dumpster. The only functional door was on the lower right, facing me. The light in the room on the second floor came on and off at irregular intervals, but so far no one, Nazi or otherwise, had entered or left the building.

I winced as another phalanx of bikers goosed their throttles just as they passed. The loud, bubbling roar of unmuffled engines lanced pain through my frontal lobes. Fuckers are doing that on purpose, I know it.

Human and velociraptor Nazis poured over the smoking wreckage of the Landkreuzer P.1000.

“Light the fuckers up!” Hounddog ordered. Everyone was still staring at the growing, rose-tinted mushroom cloud.

“Mushroom clouds are radioactive, right?” Fister asked.

“OPEN FUCKING FIRE!” Hounddog shouted. The platoon and the lieutenant lit into the fascist horde; the platoon with moderate effectiveness and the Lieutenant with none. Remarkable how someone could have such perfect form and so little accuracy, I thought.

The human Nazis were still gathering themselves up from the ground at the foot of the massive tank when the velociraptor Soldaten blew by them accelerating to ludicrous speed and quite jumping my alertness level to sphincter factor nine in the process. The grisly memory of what those claws and teeth did to Idaho popped into my head with a red flag attached. Oh, and they had guns, too.

I concentrated my fire on them. We may have won the battle when the gate blew, but these fuckers clearly hadn’t seen the Power Point deck. I dropped one, it squealed like a chicken-pig-lizard and face. I acquired another target and fired, and another. I saw grenades detonating amongst the human Nazis in the rear.

The last dinosaur snout skidded, lifeless, to just barely touch the toe of my left boot. I stared at it for a second. He looked kind of hapless with his head flat on the sandy road, beady eyes still open and tiny arms stretching back.

Fister tapped my shoulder and I exhaled. “What?”

“There’s more on the other side,” he said.

“Han Solo charge?”

“Sounds good.”

***

Hounddog and I surveyed the wreckage of the Nazi armor column. AT-4s and random explosives, rockets and a fortuitous visit from Goatlicker and his tank-killing plane had done for all of them. A dispirited line of primate and dinosaur Nazis headed back up the road to the crater where the gate had briefly manifested itself.

“Some day the Army’s going to figure out what a fuck up you are and pull your card. If no one lets you shoot people, you’re know you’re fucked, right?”

“It’s part of my life plan. My high school guidance counselor helped me write it.”

The lieutenant extended the prophetic finger of accusation. “Mumbles, you’re going to end up living in a box under an overpass back in Pittsburgh.”

“I’ll have two boxes.”

***

Hounddog left to police up the platoon. I watched the rocks in the crater pop and smoke. I waited. A huge, dense and black beard appeared before me. Tactical Beardman and the Chad followed it a moment later.

“Is this where you pull out the memory-eraser-thingy?” I asked.

Tactical Beardman laughed. “Fuck no. We prefer the more traditional methods.”

The Chad nodded grimly.

Beardman continued, “We set you up for life and ask you politely not to say anything. If you ever breathe a word we throw you in a deep, dank Turkish prison. You’ll see sunlight every other leap year. You’ll have a single, small-pox infected blanket and every day you’ll be fed a single bowl of thin, boiled chickpea and onion soup. And a large, very hairy and astonishingly virile Turk named Mustapha will assrape you every hour on the hour. If Mustapha is feeling ill, Chad will break into the prison and assrape you for him.”

“Nothing personal,” The Chad said.

“Uh, sure,” I said.

“Anyway, that’s not for you.” Tactical Beardman looked up at the sky, like he was examining the clouds’ entrails for omens.

“You’ll get kicked out of the Army in the next week or so.” I felt like I’d been gut punched by an Apatosaurus. It must have shown on my face.

“But don’t take it too hard. Show up at this address in a month or so.” He handed me a business card with nothing on it but an address in Pittsburgh. “And there’s this.” He handed over a credit card. “That’s got some juice on it. Your signing bonus.”

The Chad took a single step forward. Jesus, how do you get to be so menacing? Are there classes for that? He looked at me and said, “Don’t say no.”

“Right.”

Mumbles cleared the switchback, running as fast as he could. In full armor and kit that’s never very fast and usually looks like a overweight, two-legged crab scrabbling over a hot griddle. Fister, Thomas, Dumbfuck and Arechiga followed right behind, the clatter of their gear clearly distinguishable from the much louder and more metallic clatter of the armor advancing down the roadway.

Every WWII movie I ever watched is coming around that corner, I thought. I had no idea those tanks could be so fucking loud.

“Raptors!” Dennison shouted. A fusillade of small arms fire from my platoon drove the velociraptors back off the shoulder of the ridge up and right of the gully I had chosen as my command post. If fucking Mumbles hadn’t screwed up, this place was just far enough away from the gate to stop the fascist onslaught.

Fucking Mumbles jumped over the lip of the gulley and skidded to a stop next to me just as the tank rumbled into view.

“Holy Jesus Fuck!” I said.

It barely fit on the narrow mountain road, scraping along the cliff side like my sister trying to parallel park.

“If an Abrams raped the USS Iowa, then that’s the baby,” Mumbles said.

It was taller than my house back home. Sharply angular, massive plates of armored steel supported on stupendous treads rolled inexorably forward. Poking up on the back was a quad mount of tank cannon. I knew they had to be tank cannon because they looked pathetic and small compared to the main guns. Guns!

Black smoke belched out the rear to the roar of the biggest diesel engine ever. With a grind of metal and an awful, hollow clank of gears the turret rotated. Two gigantic guns protruded from it, and as they spun slowly toward me it was like looking into the Holland tunnel.

“It’s the Landkreuzer P.1000!” Peters shouted. He sounded giddy.

“Fucking awesome. Now shoot it.”

“Sir, that thing is fifteen times bigger than an Abrams. It has a battleship turret on it.”

“Stop eye-fucking it and shoot it.”

“I don’t think it’s going to do much good,” Peters complained.

“SHOOT THE FUCKING THING, NERD!” I screamed.

Peters raised the AT-4 to his shoulder and pulled the trigger. The tiny missile hissed out and the backblast scorched the lichen and bugs behind us. Peter’s launch was the signal, and three other missiles lanced out. Four missiles streaked across the road, spreading slightly and leaving corkscrewing trails of smoke. All of them hit; two on the front treads, two on the turret.

Both front treads were shredded by the explosions, the shaped charge warheads ripping right through the shroud and into the drive wheels. Peters’ rocket detonated at the junction of the turret and the body of the tank, disappearing in a cloud of smoke and fire and triggering secondary explosions somewhere inside.

The last missile hit the front glacis armor head-on and tore a gaping wound. Jagged, foot thick teeth of rolled steel armor jutted out from the man-sized hole, and smoke trickled out. Clearly, Nazi armor techniques had not kept up with modern missile technology.

“Fuckin’ A!” Peters yelled.

The battleship guns couldn’t turn with the turret immobilized, but they could depress. The right gun lowered, it was almost in line. The Landkreuzer lurched as its rear treads spun to push and turn the massive guns toward their target.

“SHOOT IT AGAIN! SHOOT IT AGAIN” I screamed.

Peters dropped the spent launcher tube and grabbed another.

The Landkreuzer rocked back and forth like a dog humping the carpet. The rear treads couldn’t get traction to move the huge weight. The gunners lost patience and fired.

BOOM. The blast of the gun alone was enough to almost kill us. My whole platoon was knocked over by the shock. The shell passed overhead in an instant, shattering the hillside behind us. Blood ran out of my ears and nose and a shower of rocks pelted us where we lay.

Peters picked up his dropped launcher, took aim and fired again. The missile hit the left gun barrel right where it joined the turret. With a deafening report, it detonated. The gun barrel lurched in its seat, and drooped sadly downward.

The titanic vehicle was backlit by a sun-bright flash. Seconds later, the entire mountainside shook. The Landkreuzer lurched sideways on the roadbed and its left tread slipped off to dangle for a moment in space. The 1000-ton bulk dropped to the ground with a clang that hurt my already-deafened ears. It teetered, then settled; billowing smoke pouring out of its many wounds.

“I don’t think we did that.”

Mumbles pointed up the mountain. A small mushroom cloud raced skyward.

***

 

Click here to get see all published episodes of the Saga of Subcommandante Mumbles.

A sudden urge to google overtook me this morning, and this is what I found:

When you type “Dinosaur Nazi” into the google, most of the top results are for two things: Dino D-Day and Chronos Commandos: Dawn Patrol. The first is a game, the second a comic book.

Dino D-Day started as a half-life mod, but is now grown up and a complete first-person shooter. The creators did up some fun propaganda posters:

Chonos Commandos: Dawn Patrol is a five-issue comic series from Titan Comics.

Awesome. Here’s some sample pages:

There’s some other stuff, too. In May another comic will be released, Half Past Danger:

Here’s a really old Dinosaur Nazi comic. And then there’s this:

And sprinkled throughout the search results, there’s links to this weird story.