The Veil War

“Americans?” the Leutnant asked.

“Yes.”

The dinosaur didn’t have expressions, his face was immobile. Bohm’s only real options were bugging out his eyes and dropping his mouth open. Which he did, and that made him look like a nightmarish, scaly, fascist version of Ramirez.

I didn’t like that train of thought.

“Ve vere informed… Zat ze Americaner…” he trailed off into silence. Not tracking. Operation Mindfuck achieves operational readiness! How long it will work I have no fucking clue, I thought. I sensed the men behind me getting nervous. Time for phase two, intelligence gathering.

“I note that you are dinosaurs.”

“Ve are loyal citizens of ze Fifth Reich. Sieg Heil!” His little arm shot up in the air like a five year old that really, really knows the answer to a question. Kinda cute, really; if surreal as all fuck.

I guess that hit a chord, though. “I do not question your zeal, Leutnant Bohm, though others might.”

Bohm cocked his head again, cute puppy fashion. “Vat are you doing in zese mountains! Vat is your name?” The Leutnant raised his stubby machine pistol. The barrel was disturbingly wide.

“As I told you, Leutnant Bohm, I am Subcommandante Mumbles. And we are the Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarios Del Sendero Luminoso Y Entocinado,” I explained.

“Sendero Luminoso Y Entocinado!” I shouted, scaring the cherry and Ramirez. “And we will not rest until the running dog libertarian ancaps are vanquished! We have a saying, Leutnant. ‘Pueden tomar nuestres vidas, pero nunca nuestro tocino.”

“Nunca Jamas!” my men shouted on cue. The dinosaurs started, and they all raised their guns. Maybe… going a little too far. And I just ran out of Spanish.

“Are you here to fight the Americans!” I asked.

The nazi dinosaur uncocked its head. “Ve establish a foothold for ze Reich, and ze Vaterland’s glorious return!”

“So, you’re fighting the Americans?”

“Ve vill destroy all who resist.”

Okay, that sucks all ass. And I thought traipsing up and down the mountains of assfuckistan with nothing but a smile on my face and murderous thoughts in my head was just perfect. I had no idea what perfection was. Perfection is staring straight into the jagged-toothed, scaly mouth of the vanguard of a fascist invasion backed up by nothing more than a baker’s dozen of mouthbreathing 4th ID fucktards.

Breathtaking.

“Well, Leutnant Bohm, I would like to be among the first to welcome our new lizard overlords. My men can lead you straight to the hiding places of the perfidious Americaner!”

“Sendero Luminoso Y Entocinado!” I proclaimed again, and the lizards started again. They didn’t seem to like loud noises, but their eyes tracked movement like a hawk. And if my geek nephew is right, it’s because they’re cousins.

Maybe this will work. Maybe. If I can get the dinosaur nazis down into the valley, then Hounddog would have to believe me. Shit, what am I saying? He’s perfectly capable of disbelieving things right in front of him. Fuck this for a joke. God hates me, he does, I know it.

Pwang! A bullet ricocheted off the rock. A second later, I heard a distant report. No, now God hates me.

The Leutnant Bohm opened his mouth and roared. His tongue was spotted like a Chow’s. Hey, a small part of my brain, you can use that next time you call Hounddog. That mouth was fucking huge, and it contained at least eleventy-billion teeth. Bohm roared. And funny, it sounded exactly like Jurassic park.

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