Veil War Thursday
It is Thursday, and that means mayhem.
The shells exploded nearly two hundred feet above the goblins. Marching as they were with their shields up, they were suffering almost no casualties.
“Why aren’t they adjusting their fire?” Pethoukis nearly shouted. The next barrage didn’t explode at all. One shell landed on a goblin, crushing it. No others were even hurt.
“I think they are adjusting their fire. It’s just not the 116th doing the adjusting,” Lewis said.
Chapter Twenty-One is up, and available for your delighted perusal. Please point out to the internet any mistakes, blunders, cock-ups, typos and senior moments you detect in the prose. Because, you know, the internet cares.
In this paragraph there is an awkward/wrong phrasing. I can’t underline it here, but will set it apart by **.
Lewis looked behind him, but he couldn’t see Father John. Probably still sitting on the back deck of the Buffalo, invisible to Lewis not through magic but simply because he was behind the vehicle’s cab. We’re invisible, too. At least I hope we are, he thought.
***** Are these spells were fire and forget ****
– did the Archimandrite need to keep concentrating on it, or did it just work once he did whatever the fuck it was that brought it into being? I probably should know that. Too damn many variables.
Good catch – that sentence is trying to be two things at once.
Another engaging chapter, loved the dragon.
A couple of things I think I caught:
“Brogan wasn’t holding back and his men were poured on the fire.” Looking at the tense of the rest of the paragraph, it should be “Brogan didn’t hold back and his men poured on the fire.”
I believe “the brigade fires battalion” should be “the brigade’s fire battalion.”
“Evans reported that the slight aerial disturbances that he suspected were the magically cloaked crusaders were only about a half mile out from the closest goblin formations moving out of the draw onto the upper plain, which were in turn a half mile in front of the Marines.” I think I understand what this sentence is saying, but its somewhat convoluted and could benefit from simplification/clarification.
Looking forward to chapter 22!
Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated as always.